A home away from home

Aidan had his visit over at Liz's yesterday.... his old home away from home. Liz was our daycare provider from the time Aidan was 14 months old until I went on maternity leave last year. That is like 5 years! He was loved there, and welcomed in to her home by her entire family. Who could have wanted anything more? I went to work in peace, knowing that Aidan would not want for a thing all day long. He would jump lovingly into my arms when I came to get him but the next morning Liz would be met with the same when he saw her. She was a friend to me too, always offering me a strong shoulder and some sound advice when I needed it. I am forever grateful to this loving woman.
It was difficult to stop going there when I was done work for the year... I cried on our last day and I know that Aidan missed her much as well. Liz cried at Aidan's kindergarten graduation. Children grow, situations change and there is nothing we can do but feel our way through it! We all felt it. We keep in touch, seeing her at the school with the other little kiddies she cares for and Aidan gets in that occasional visit to her house. Last summer Aidan even served as Ring Bearer in her daughter's wedding, a truly wonderful honour!!
Well, in the back of my mind I was holding on to the fact that we would return this spring and so it was not really a final goodbye. We planned that Colin and Aidan would both go to her daycare. Her daycare has since filled up all fulltime spots... at this time there is not room for my kids. I was devastated when she first told me this but DENIAL set in.... thought that it would work itself out in my favour. It has not. I never expected that those spots would be vacant for the year... of course I know her income is as important to her household as mine is here, but she is not always at capacity and so I just left it to the higher order to be on my side. Seems a greater plan may be at work. And I am so very upset right now that I am even having to face this!!!! I am frazzled, scared, angry and so sad that my plan has not worked out.
For any of you Moms out there you understand just how difficult that it is to leave your baby in the care of others and just go off to other responsibilities. The biggest source of my stress when I am working is that my children's needs are adequately met. It is hard to start the search and find the spot that fits... the right person, in the right area, with the right cost. I do not feel up to this task! I would rather crawl under my blanket right now and just feel sorry for myself.
We went to pick up Aidan yesterday and Colin was with me. He took to everyone as I knew he would and this only made me more sad. I feel sorry for any daycare provider I might meet right now for she will not live up to my very high standards, I am sure.
Please... Mary Poppins come out of the woodwork! Talk about needing a spoonful of sugar. Today is not a good day.