We have a busy spring in our family. My cousin getting married in May and my brother getting married in June. The rush has started! Stag and Doe season comes before wedding season. After spending the past week working on some pretty cool Stag and Doe prizes for my cousin's stag and doe tonight, it occurred to me what I have been missing out on.
I want to have a wedding. I want to be a bride. The only problem is that I do not know if I want to be married. Do not get me wrong, I am in love, and I do not think about being with anyone else besides my Michael but I have reservations about that next step. I do not know if I want to commit to this relationship forever yet. I am waiting for him to hurt me in a sense, well, let's face it, he already has, and do not want to walk in any deeper. He has only lived with us for the past year. I am pretty fucked up when it comes to this stuff, I do not even try to hide it. He tells his family it is because of my expectations that we are not married yet and in a way that might be true.
Part of me thinks (almost daily) that I would not mind being on my own. It is hard to share your life with someone. I feel claustrophobic, invaded, vulnerable, irritated, disrespected too often. This in a nutshell... not something I want to commmit to.... and these things are not all entirely due to Mike. It is not all his fault when I have days where I want to run away, take my children and never look back. This is something that happens inside of me, and I do not even understand it. I cannot even tell him that this is what happens in me. I am certain that he would personalize it.
So, marriage is hard for me to think about. It stirs up so many feelings of inferiority. I feel different, a misfit, cut from a different cloth. I see the joy in love but do not really understand what marriage has to do with it... beyond the wedding day. I am sad when I think about how I am missing out on something. I do not know if it will ever come clear for me. What would it take? I have talked this out in therapy, I have dug through my history. In that I have learned that I can only depend on myself,... half the battle??
I want a wedding because I want to cry at the altar when I look at Mike, I want my Dad to feel pride when he gives me away, I want to dance with my boys and look beautiful for a day. I want to have my closest girls stand up with me, I want pictures to show my grandchildren and I want to plan a kickass party. But what is there after that is done??
How much do I have to love someone to know it is going to last? That is the fear.
4 comments:
Oh Laurel, My father would be very proud of you to be honest. I should get him to read this passage because he would hold even more admiration for you. I think you and I are due for a slumber party.. one of those nights where we used to watch late night Jerry Springer and then crawl into my bed on Gladstone like two young school girls- jammies and all(with baby Josh fast asleep)... and we would talk till the wee hours of the morning. Your company and companionship is something I will always savour. I miss those times. Let's get together soon and have a true heart to heart. Your clarity will come where marriage is concerned.. and believe me, having done this twice in my young life already...it's the party that appeals to most and we can do that for your birthday and you wouldn't have to share the spotlight with anyone!! hehe.. I would even bring you a microphone and you could do a solo again for me "Leader of the Pack"... I will get Mike to cry in the audience like someone else used to do when you made them so proud. LOL!
I have read this post over and over for the last few days Laurel and I haven't known what to say. I wish you didn't have to feel like this, you are an amazing woman! When you said that you feel as though you were cut from a different cloth all I could think of was that you were wrong about that, the cloth is the same only your cloth has been ripped apart and resewen together a few times! Maybe having those re-inforced seams(scars in life) has made you often feel like you are discarded or not worthy of the same happiness that everyone else,in your mind,seems to have. I believe because you alone have put yourself back together so many times that somehow your strength is there, but you only focus on the moments when you were threadbare and it's easier for you that way. I know this all seems silly in the way I'm writing this but you have to know how much everyone loves and looks up to you, God only knows how many people, including myself that you have "put" back together in some way. You are your own project and although I know that sewing was never your fortay I believe that one day you'll have enough memories, good and bad to make a patchwork quilt! Love you sister, Kryt xoxox
Thank you so much my loves!! I grow through humility and love that you REALLY know me, and can see through the mask.
My Laurel - As the saying goes - 'Marriage is an Institution, and who wants to live in an institution?' I've done it twice. You were a part of the reason the first time, being pregnant at 15 in the early 70's was the best reason in the world for getting married! After being married to your dad for 16 years, I always said I would never get married again and then along came Wayne. After being with Wayne for going on 21 years, 19 of them married, I still wonder why I did it the first time, let alone the second! I still fantasize about being on my own, having my own place, doing what I want, when I want and not having anyone to anser to. And then I think about being alone. You kids are all grown up and have lives of your own. I wouldn't want to be dependant on my kids to be my companions. I think of my mother and how it is so important to her that we are always together for family functions. As much as I sometimes crave my liberation, I know that I would be lonely. Think about it. Mike let's you have your freedom. He let's you have your own friends and be your own vibrant self. You can spend time alone, whenever your kids let you anyway. You can go out shopping or visiting and he will stay home and look after the boys. Mike might not be the most reliable guy around, but he has a lot of qualities that you wouldn't find with anyone else.
When Wayne & I went to see John Livingston about marrying us, he asked me a very pertinent question. He asked 'Why do you want to get married again?' My answer was that if I was willing to work at a marriage that wasn't working for 16 years, I was willing to to try again.
Wayne with all of his faults, is more than willing to put up with my faults! I'm my own person. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it! That's love. We love each other and are more than willing to let our lives co-mingle where and when they may. I'm not the person I was in 1986, when we first started going out together. I'm not the person that I was in 1988 when we got married. You know what, neither is Wayne.
You'll know when you're ready. All marriage really is, is getting up in front of your family and friends and saying, 'This is the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life!' That doesn't mean that you will never disagree, or fight or even hate each other at times. It means that you have a common bond that no one else can match. You will overlook things that in someone else you would hate. You will defend your partner to your nearest and dearest, because he is your's.
You'll know when and whoever you choose, I will stand behind you, because I know that you know your own mind, even when you don't always think that you do.
Love Always
Mom
p.s. After Michael crashing on my couch for years and being under foot, he will always be a member of our family.
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