May 12, 2013

A Happy and Teary Mothers Day to ME!!

This year Colin's Grade One Class completed a questionnaire about their Moms to be given on Mothers Day. What a chuckle to see how my little guy sees me.... I was going to take a picture of his questionnaire, but making out his version of spelling is quite a challenge, and teacher let him spell things just like they sounded to him. Those that are close enough to understand have been spelled in Colins version... his answers are underlined. Here is what Colin had to say!

My Mom is pretty and kind of  tall. And she weighs five feet tall. (way to dodge that one!)
She has beautiful green eyes and brown brown hair.
She loves to wear pijamies around the house but when she goes out she puts on a kot. (pjs and a coat, lol)
Her favourite clothes are pujamus.
Her favourite colour is purple.
She drives a 0.
My Mom likes to go to Wendes for dinner. (umm, eew)
Her favourite food to eat is pitatos.
Her favourite store is Woolmrt.
She likes to spend money on school snaxs. (hahaa!)
My Mom likes to play in the summer and drink hot chocolate in the winter.
Her favourite vacation spot is Cuba. (teehee)
My Mom is happy when I get up early.
Her favourite tv show is Greys Anatomy.
My Mom always says I love you.
My Mom cooks the best hamburgers. This is how she makes it she puts it in the oven. (way to give away my cooking secret!)
My Mom and I like to hug.
My Mom is beautiful because she married my Dad.
My Mom is the greatest because she hulps me with stuf.

Happy Mothers Day to all of the Mommies out there... ♥

January 28, 2013

Oh Sigh!

I miss my blog. It is in need of a bit of an overhaul... and a resurgance of life! I have some new stories to tell. I carry them around inside... and how does that fit with my mantra of living life out loud??!! Well it just doesn't.
I can say that my computers piled up in need of repair or replacement are a part of the problem... but where there is a will.. Wowojeans will find the way! I am going to update, upgrade and hopefully uplift my corner of this beautiful little world. Pinky swear!!

April 12, 2012

Sensible Shoes

Can I just say that I really never want to be that girl. Well, that lady, I guess, cuz a girl does not own a pair... and a woman is just rockin them by a different name.
I do not want to be the girl to fall into those ho hum feet dwellings. How unsexy!!! Sensible shoes. I laugh at the thought. Bwahaaaaaahahaaa!
Now let me clarify.
There is something I have found out about myself in the past couple of years. I kill shoes. I wear them till they are thread bare and if I find a pair that is stylin and comfortable... yeah, I will wear them until the soles are paperthin (confession, my little booties have been insoled with duct tape to get me through a little longer)
It is not something I will treat myself to. I ALWAYS shop the BOGO sales when it comes to shoes for Mama! I buy shoes at Walmart or Zellers or when they are on clearance at Payless. Wow. This is a whole big confession in itself. Sad and pathetic even. lol.
The last time I purchased a pair of running shoes... Colin was a new babe. And he turns 6 this week.
I am sort of that girl who puts the growing kiddie feet ahead of hers... while they NEED a new pair, I usually convince myself I only WANT one.
I can honestly say... that when I do buy shoes... they are almost always impractical. I stand by my convictions... comfort, schmomfort... I do NOT want to own any pair of shoes which have "Dr." anywhere on the box.
I have oodles and oodles of boots (which are not winter appropriate), flip flops (which are prone to injuries requiring ER visits if you are me), flats (which are NO means of support for a day long shopping jaunt) and those which were on clearance and not available in my size so I will just get the next size up kind of nonsense (yes, I can be that dumb!) BUT I remain proud, and self impressed at the fact that I have not caved and gone down Sensible Shoe Alley! Nope. Not gonna do it, either. Until, I am maybe in my 60's!
That was just my random thought for today. :)

March 25, 2012

Don't feel at home in my own Home

I am more than a little beside myself this weekend. I cannot shake it... try and succeed for a while but my thoughts keep going back to the sign on my lawn.
We have just celebrated our second year in our home. I am not a homeowner in technical terms... but you know, when you live somewhere... surround it with your things... and the people you love... you find it feeling like it is yours. I know that home is not necessarily brick and walls... not necessarily an address... but I was just not prepared to think I may have to look at upheaval again. I dread the thought of having to try and find something even close to what I have found for us here.
Due to my own shortcomings with finances and situational challenges I have not afforded myself the opporunity to save a down payment or even possibly qualify for a mortgage... and I am not going to whine about that.... I was okay with renting this house... while keeping in the back of my mind that the owner would be selling someday and I just may be able to seal the deal then. Well... things do not always work out the way MY mind thinks it should. He has the house up for sale. No mention. No nothing... and I feel quire powerless and distraught.
I was just last week picking out paint chips because I have been getting the itch to make the rooms more "us". I was also going to finally take down their stupid mini blinds.... and find a window treatment that was more becoming of these nice big windows. Damn!!!!
I am just plain old pity partying it now. Blech!! I hate that pathetic nonsense. Bear with me... it is bound to pass. I just have to get this crap out.
Of course it could take some time to actually sell. (I will not mind letting others know that the basement is not as dry as they would like) It could be sold to someone who sees the investment and will continue to rent. It could be on the marker for a long time and taken off again. (that is apparently what happened before we moved in) We could be asked to move out before it even sells. Or it could sell quickly to a buyer who wants to make MY home their home. Big big booooo!
The boys and I have talked about all of the fun antics we could play... (no, we wouldn't, but fun to say it out loud) You know.... about the paranormal activity, the critters, the mould, the dealers next door.... sigh. I opened the door this morning to a guy checking out the property and I gave him some major major stink eye.
These are things that make me feel like my home is not one I can easily replace... the rent is very affordable for the size and quality of house I got, I do not want to switch school districts again, spacious, updated kitchen and bath, central air.
I am not sure what to do next. Other than going out to the sign on my lawn and putting a big "SOLD" across it... what am I supposed to do?

March 11, 2012

The Baby and his Bunny

"Mommy, am I gonna be the baby forever???" "Yes, Colin, yes you are!" It is a spot in the family that my boy sometimes embraces, and then some days it gets on his last nerve. I must say that lately we have both been embracing it. If I have learned anything as a Mommy it is to cherish the days when your children are small for a little one stays little for only so long. It all passes in the blink of an eye.   
This is my youngest son. He will be six years old in just over a month. In our private snuggly moments... I call him baby, and he smiles and accepts that place in the world. When I began this blog, he was a newborn babe... and I knew that when I had him that our family was complete. We would have no more babies. No, I would not try for a girl. And no, it is not because I did not enjoy the idea of little babes to cuddle and love... but it was realistic for me, after having three... and being 35, to be done with that stage.
So I have known all of Collie's growing years... that his oh so many milestones would be the last times for me. Bittersweet. The first steps... would be the last baby who began to walk. The last time he nursed, I cried. The toilet training milestone would mean... no more diapers in our house. The first day of school... all of the learning and changes life has brought him... have been wonderfully joyfilled and a little sad at the same time.
These pictures were a takeaway gift from his cousin Lily's birthday a few weeks ago. We had been told there would be a photographer for the kids and that they could bring some props or whatever for the shots... and I was a little surprised (but not) that Colin ran straight upstairs to get Bunny. He insisted that he have Bunny in his pictures... and then, that he have Mommy too (because I am the person he likes most in the world is what he has been telling me lately)
Let me tell you the deets about Bunny. To me, he represents the baby in my boy. Bunny was an Easter present from Grandma... when Colin was a tiny little guy. Bunny joined the ranks with so many other stuffies of course, but he had a certain way of helping Colin feel safe... and is one of his very favourites. Oh how Bunny is getting tattered. This type of love wears on a stuffies fur. He has been through the wash a few times.  I remember an incident where Colin and Bunny woke up wet... and Colin very softly told Bunny that accidents happen and he was not mad at him for wetting the bed. Bunny has been thrown up on, spilled on... and I am happy to report that Bunny has not wet the bed in a couple of years.
When we moved to our new home, Colin was almost four. Bunny was mandatory at bedtime for this transition. Bunny travels to Auntie's house almost every day, still.. and the kids are pretty much outgrowing their naptimes. More than once when Bunny has been left at Aunties house, Colin has insisted I call Uncle Craig to bring him home. We bargain and make it till the next day... knowing that Bunny is probably already asleep. When Colin has a migraine, Bunny somehow soothes him, he is just good like that. According to Colin... Bunny does not like to go right to sleep. And some times it is Bunny who has a nightmare. Bunny has made an appearance at Show and Tell in JK and SK. Bunny has tried to stay awake to see Santa, but was so tired and did not make it. Bunny wishes he could go in the tub with Colin but he has managed to be content with a spin cycle every now and again. (whew!) Sometimes Bunny speaks to Colin... and we tend to think he is pretty smart as far as forest creatures go! He loves Colin, so he has got to be a stand up guy, err, Bunny.
Now Colin spends so much time with his big brothers, especially Aidan, and so he is usually all about things that are above his age range... he listens to the radio, watches Youtube, loves WWE, plays video games... and then can also be very much his age... colouring, watching Disney movies, playing with his own toys too. I do not want to think of the day that Bunny is not a fixture. I will deal with it of course, after all, Josh moved on from Thomas the Tank Engine, and I handled it, lol. But... with the timing of how my children each arrived... as soon as one of them was hitting the stage that Colin is at now... I had another on the way. When Josh was getting antsy to "not be the baby", I had Aidan to fill that void. And when Aidan was at the same mark, Colin was right there to take that role. Sigh. What is a Mommy to do? Shed a tear, here and there... look forward to the wonderful stages to come... and daydream about grandchildren. teehehe.
A baby grows up... but in my heart... each one of my boys are still babies to me!

March 8, 2012

I Feel Like a Woman!

Happy International Womens Day 2012!!

The opportunity to honour ourselves as women... and to celebrate the  amazing accomplishments of women and how far we have come in the world. Internationally, there are still so many women living in circumstances so far from what we consider commonplace here in Canada. Love to my Earth sisters everywhere!!
I hold high regard for many women throughout history and in the present day. Women I love dearly and women who possess some or many traits I hope to emulate. Oh, how some beauties have paved the way for us girls today. (what, I like to refer to myself as a girl) Just a few who have inspired me at one time or another (or always)... who are not the usual bunch...
  • Helen Keller ( I fell in love with her story as a young girl, researched her and thought her to be simply amazing) only to grow up and see just how many inspirational and thought provoking messages she put forth... to think of what she overcame and how a deaf, blind, mute... could see and understand this world and communicate about it so eloquently... I could fill a quote journal with just HER!!
  • Maggie Trudeau. I really related to her party girl lifestyle, although it was a couple decades after the fact that I read her story and learned of the ruckus she stirred up in Ottawa. This is just what makes her endearing to me. But... as a woman who bravely fronted antistigma campaigns with her mental illness... bravo, beauty, if I could spend a day with one Canadian woman, I think it would be you!! I am personally impacted by your courage. It has helped me to face stigma and I try to do so with a fraction of your grace.
  • Eleanor Roosevelt. I hold you in my heart. Your campaign for human rights. The position you upheld as a strong and capable woman. I have been moved by your wisdom, I am grateful that women like you lived ahead of me.
Only a drop in the bucket. I have a long list.

Most importantly, women who came before me to make me who I am today.
  • Mom. I get it. I know what you want for me. I see what you have done to help get me there. You took a life that could have had such different outcomes, a very young Mom, lacking education and limited with the means to turn out okay... and you did it. You turned us all out okay! You gave everything you could and brought each of us a most amazing gift... a tight family with strong values in tact. I am so proud to be your daughter, and I know I am a great Mother myself because of your teachings. You are quite like a reflection to me, I know you see it too and I love you as anyone loves their favourite heroine.
  • Nanny. Your love made me feel special. Doesn't every girl just want to feel that way! Truly loved and the pride you expressed to me just made me want to make you more proud. I carry you with me, you are not far at all, I know exactly what you would say in about any situation that arises. Even though I knew you wanted me to go somewhere in my life... I always felt that in your heart just being who I am was enough.
  • Mary R. I think about you often. Would it be possible for me to be at this place in my career without those early nudges from you?? A strong quiet and wise teacher. You challenged me. You ticked me off, and I thank you for guiding me to become a helper.
I am grateful to have my four men who accept me and all of my womanly ways. I am as lucky to have them as they are to have me! I am complex and soft. I am beautiful and flawed. I am feminine and fierce. I am intelligent and inspired. I am independent and vulnerable. I am a woman of the world today, who is able to make choices about my life and my body and my family. I am a woman who is able to exercise my rights and voice my thoughts and feelings. I can create life. I can love wholly. I can be a force to be reckoned with. I can cry. I can work. I can play. I can be who I want to be as a woman today. How great is that.

March 7, 2012

Mommy Confessional

Humility is a good thing. I can take a dose of this medicine and not be any worse for it. We all have flaws. I work on changing some of mine... and then there are others that I choose to leave be. I have a confession. I am NOT a perfect parent. Kind of makes me giggle... because that has got to be obvious to people who know me, and well, it is just a confession that we can all just get out of the way. There are a few imperfections I could get off my chest and so I am going to institute a regular chronicle of Mommy Confessionals. Let me start with one!
When it comes to my ability to share parenting with my husband, I could really work on this.
I know the roots. I am entirely conscious of my thoughts in these moments. I enjoy that I have a partner to share the responsibilities of parenthood with... however struggle with sharing the decision making process.
I began my parenting journey as a single mommy. No input from Josh's father whatsoever meant that I had 100% control over how to nurture, discipline and rear MY child. Mike and I began dating when Josh was almost four years old, and I never relinquished any of that control... was not prepared to trust, if decisions needed to be made regarding my son, I had to consult nobody. I had supports aplenty, including Mike and lots of help with him, but the parenting duties... all mine.
Mike and I had Aidan a few years later. Our relationship was not certain, I wholely expected he would not stick around long, we did not live together when I brought Aidan home... and so essentially, I remained a single parent. Mike remained in the picture, however, had not yet caught up with the responsibilities which I could not ignore, he enjoyed the fun parts of having a kid... but was content to allow me to keep things running as I was very used to doing. I do not blame him for this, we both ran with our comfortable methods of coping... he avoided and I controlled. When I say avoided, he was always present... but more like the best buddy kind of Daddy, not one to worry about all of the basic needs... seriously, he still could not tell you when a child gets what boosters or when either of his kids hit milestones or what size shoe they wear. That does not make him a bad father, but could you imagine if neither of us were in control of such situations!!
It was only in the year before Colin was born that Mike ever lived with us full time. By this time, I was parenting two kids, and had it really down pat. I have had no one to disagree with when it came to my methods of parenting. I had no one to debate or challenge my parental belief system or what I was hoping to achieve with my style of raising my children (aside from Auntie Dolly and Uncle Rick every now and then, but I think they just enjoyed trying to push my buttons). No, all things parenthood belonged to me. I achieved pretty good results so far... my boys were well mannered, appropriate and on track with all of their needs. I did not say I was not a good Mom, I said I was not perfect!
When we decided to get pregnant with Colin, it was Mike who was now "ready" to really be a parent. He wanted to be on the inside of something our circumstances sort of kept him on the outside of until now. I was excited about this possibility, as we all know... single parenting is overwhelming and some days exhausting and lonely. I really did WANT to share this with him. So, what part of me held back and did not let him have equal say. I cannot answer that yet. I was sad to know that I could still not trust, entirely, someone else to share in the responsibility of making decisions about our son's formative years.
There have been some good reasons why I have had to take the reins (I never let them go though). Mike has had his ups and downs and perhaps this is part of why we work. So many people have remarked about how I do this amazing thing, so independent and on my own all these years... but let us not forget that we create our outcomes. I put me here. These children did not happen to me. This marriage did not happen to me. I dove in to all of them... eyes wide open. I manage to cope and live with all of this fierce strength and independence because it protects me. It protects my boys. I have lived for most of my life thinking that people, even those who love us, will hurt us. (And I was right, they will.) But I have hurt people I love too. I know this has hurt Mike, and he has expressed his resentment before. While I share the joys of my childrens being here with Mike (that is what the loneliness of single parenting meant to me) I do not share in giving him the freedom to decide and determine some of what he is invested in. This partner of mine accepts this about me. I am going to have to make some amends now, can't really see a way around it. And the next time that he has an idea about something we could be doing with the kids... I am going to think long and hard about letting it stick.

March 5, 2012

Operation Affirmation

This is appealing to me in a major way. What is not to love about the power of positive thought. Heart is already smiling.
Backstory: Kari and I are running a workshop at the Womens Wellness Conference this week at the Sheraton (International Womens Day, this week, yo!)
Our workshop is Strengthening the Response; How to Cope :)
Aaah Stress resilience... what woman is not able to relate!
So I am creating the takeaways while Kari works hard on the powerpoint. Affirmations... I have a good couple of pages of soothing and confidence provoking statements... I take to google for some ideas... and up pops this statement. Operation Affirmation.
Love the concept! Gonna give some link love since this is not my original idea:
I am going to do something with this idea. Put my own spin on it, and I will definitely post more.
I have been using and working with affirmations in all of my years in the addiction field. To think about how ones thought process influences our self efficacy, our choices and our actions. It is huge!
Thinking cap on. Should be working on the presentation, so this will have to wait a couple of days.
Gonna close with a quote that has served me well for a good long time!

"Whether you think you can, or that you can't; You are usually right. ~ Henry Ford

March 4, 2012

The Science of Siblings

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us
about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring;
 quite often the hard way. ~Pamela Dugdale

Watching your children's socialization is quite like observing a science experiment. There is considerable impact with environment, pressures, change of ingredients. As parents, we like to think we determine the entire outcome with our skill... but like the scientist... it is more like we are learning along the way, testing our theories and revamping our techniques to adjust here and there. We could think that we have as much power to churn our little beings into mini versions of our ideals... but they are their own spiritual and emotional entities... and so, each of their personalities plays into the mix too. So... the outcome stands to be different each and every time! Consider that if one child is like an experiment, what the impact of a sibling is bound to be.
The dynamic of sibling relationships is something I have always been so intrigued by. I can remember writing a paper in college on this area, interviewing my own siblings and gathering data from a broad spectrum of families. I remember getting a pretty good mark on that paper as well... I was really invested in what I was learning!
My mom grew up as an only child. She will be the first to say that some of her habits and personality traits developed in not having siblings. Difficult to know how she may have been different growing up in the mix of other children but I know having a large family herself, we gave her a very different experience than she could relate to from her childhood. 
I am the oldest of five children. Five of us born within seven years. Seldom do I recall a childhood memory that does not involve at least one of my siblings. They are an intricate part of my story... main ingredients in the science experiment of me who each affected my environment significantly. This is a huge part of who I am as a woman. Birth order also plays a significant role, but that is another topic. So, we were a tight bunch. Still are. And my brothers and sisters are amazing people who I know are all in their own ways, extensions of me. I know some families who grow up with their siblings and are not close... which goes to show one of the differentials in said experiment. Again, so interesting to me.   
I recall those times when I was annoyed with one or more of my little followers that I would imagine... life being so much better, easier, happier if I were an only child. Natural childlike thinking, after all, it is such an egocentric stage in our development, but today... I just could not imagine. Of course, there were rivalries, fights and some really nasty ones too. The full range of what we experience in any relationships... and of course, those would be some of the pressures that again, impact the experiment.
Watching my boys this morning is what got me thinking along these lines. Aidan and Colin in their love/hate dance.... all within a 10 minute time frame. It is like deja vu. I observe them in their relationship, and Josh is a part of that mix too of course... and it just makes my knowing heart smile. Here they are, reacting and shifting through a dynamic experiment, of what happens when these children are plunked together and made to live through it! A little support from me, some strategies, some encouragement is sometimes needed. Sometimes, I just need to tune them out and let them work it out on their own. This is the reward for us scientists. I mean parents. Once we have employed strategies to assist these ingredients, I mean siblings... we can once in awhile test out our theories... and see how they are developing on their own.
I observed Aidan and Colin battling it out for upwards of an hour, bickering, tattling and just being underhanded and "unbrotherly". I did nothing but give a couple of all knowing glances in their direction. (Sometimes more is required, but did not get there today) And then... before I knew it... they were huddled together and have been playing like best brothers for as long as I have been typing this post.
This is the best form of short term memory loss... that allows siblings to just move on, to the love!

March 2, 2012

Just Like Playing Barbies!

Well... when you live in a boy house you get those girly needs met how ever you can. No, not those needs. This is a PG post.
I mean... this maison definitely has a pink-deficiency. After 18 years, I am used to it. I know where it is at. You adjust and make the most out of an estrogen lacking situation.
My boys know me so well. They know that I will tolerate all of their "boy"isms.... the rough housing, the video games, the nonsensical talk of bodily functions.... and they know to pay me back with girl time too! A happy Mommy is a happy house. Funny, I think they even get a little kick out of letting me play like a girl now and then.
So... today, the boys are playing their WWE12 video game. They were smart. Instead of letting it wear on me until I could no longer avoid pulling my hair out... they invite me to join. Let me get something straight... I love video games... a select few, wrestling is not one of them. With one exception.... in the game you can create your own characters. Oh how I love to do this!!! So fun! I can sit and create a WWE Diva from head to toe... her body shape and features... her hair, makeup, accessories... I get to clothe her and give her a name... build an entrance and establish a fan base. This I will admit is my own adaptation of playing Barbies. How fun!!
"Laurhell" has a couple of piercings, great tattoos and a killer set of boobs. She enters with booming music "Holla, holla!" and a good dose of purple pyro. Since the game could not manage to have my name in its memory I enter to cheers of "Mommy!" "Mommy!" She kills it in her hot pink wrestling boots too. Oh, I know, she sounds like one kickass Barbie.
Since I cannot get all of the features of the game down, I need supervision... so the kids help me. teehee. They think I am cute and needy and I revel in letting my little girl out to play. Once my new Diva is created... I let the boys take her through her career matches.... every now and then I will change her attire... and for the record... she is the new Champion. Yeah, I know you are impressed.

March 1, 2012

The Gift I Got Today

To be trusted is a greater compliment
than to be loved. - George MacDonald

Isn't it amazing when you see the moment, especially while you are living it, that a friendship deepens. I am truly appreciative of the ability to connect with the women in my life. Be they my mother, sister, old friend, work mate, new acquaintance... my life is richer because of these chicks!
Trust is not something that I give away too freely. Not when it is the very true matters of my very fragile heart anyways. I can dive right in and share some of my self... but there is always that something which I hold back. I do leap with faith into the arms of a solid friendship... but truth be told, I struggle to put my trust in the hands of even those very close to me. So... when someone I care about takes that leap with me.... well, it impresses me.
Let me clarify.
What do they see that tells them I am someone to be trusted?
How do they know?
What did I do to show them that I had earned this gift?
How did they develop that ability to surrender?
And more importantly, Thank you! Thank you friend for believing in me. Thank you for allowing yourself to be yourself with me. Thank you for letting me know something about you that most do not. And thank you for deeming me worthy of your trust. I am delighted to have had the opportunity to love and appreciate you even more than I already did. You are a woman who I have grown to respect, who I look up to, whose opinions matter to me... and someone who I now understand is as real a person as I am.
I am grateful that today a gift unfolded on my lap... right out of the blue in the middle of ordinary... beautiful things happen.

February 28, 2012

We Found Love in A Hopeless Place

I just found out the other day that both of my nieces "hate" this song. Not that this post has anything to do with that but it got me thinking.
I LOVE this song! I love the title. It is like my own personal anthem. I sing it constantly in my head. hmm. To each their own. But there is a truth in this that I just relate to in a big way.
To find love in a hopeless place. What a gift. So many times I have wondered if our relationship (of course this is about US!) was doomed. If it had reached the point of no return. If we could survive intact. Let's be real, we tied the knot right smack dab in the middle of upheaval, instability and sometimes chaos. Kind of our own flavour of "Hey, Schizophrenia... up yours! Take this and smoke it... we are DETERMINED to stick TOGETHER!!!!"
Time passed... life got on track, which for us, living in a home with an unstable unmedicated illness... was so far off track! But we knew little different. I have worried at times that this "hopeless place" was going to claim my partner. That it had claimed him, for there were periods where hopeless merely touches the surface of what he experienced. I could only observe and imagine. I claimed to understand... but how could I , really. Helpless place was where I lived.
We were pushed and prodded... and when I felt that our life preserver was going down... the two of us, the kids and all... something had to give. A separation was brought about as a protagonist for change... the change... to get somehow, to a hopeful place! In my heart, I wanted to bring everybody there. Never was it my intention to leave anyone behind. I was choosing life. I was choosing to teach my children that there was someone who would go to all lengths for them. In the end, it hurt the person I had vowed to love through sickness and health. (and I do love him) This abandonment further instigated his symptoms.
You see, there was no way for me to bring him to the place I thought (knew) we needed to be. I could go. I could bring the kids. But he, needed to make up his own mind and decide to find his own hopeful place. So much of our relationship had been about me doing, and him coming along... and I was essentially leaving him to his own defenses. The vows stand. The commitment is still there. But long with it, some hard decisions. Taking the risk that my best friend and husband would hate me. (well, in midst of his illness his thoughts of me were no better). When I saw that he was beginning to drown in hopelessness... something serious needed to happen. Involuntary hospitalization was the only way. Almost a year later and I can now say, I do not regret the decision I made to choose life FOR my love. Things had gotten pretty scary. Intense and void all at once. We were losing him and I thank God every day for allowing us to move through this time in our lives relatively unscathed.
We have surpassed our "7 year itch" where the illness is concerned. I hope we really have put the worst behind us. A Community Treatment Order protects my family now. My husband gets the treatment he needs, my children are not constantly in the middle of a battle ground and I am not worrying every time he comes over that I will be hurt or every time he leaves that he will hurt himself. We have a marriage like no other. Full time commitment and part time cohabitation, as if that could work... but IT DOES! For now. I would rather be with him part of the time and have it working than to be with him all of the time and none of us be happy. And I certainly do not want to have him out of our lives entirely. I did not marry the boy to be alone. I hold on to hope, and those vows and the love. Life is good. There is still a long road to recovery, and the buy in is not quite all there... but we have found love in a hopeless place. But because love is there... there is always hope.
All that from one silly song. So much writers block lately that I just gotta roll with it. Meh.

February 25, 2012

In All My Glory



I thought I would share just a few of my favourite pics from my recent boudoir session. Fabulous fun... I have to say I am pretty pleased with the shots. I embrace all parts of myself today. Confidence comes with age. But I suppose it also comes when one is able to balance insecurities with what is real. I am not going to wait to be a certain something to consider myself beautiful. I am my own version of beauty... just like every other woman of all ages and sizes are. I am perfectly flawed... inside and out, and I am okay with that.
I first saw this style of photography a few years back. I immediately loved the idea... and in my mind I considered this being something to do when I lose however many pounds... or whatever. And when the opportunity came my way through a friends business... someone I felt I would be very comfortable with... I thought... why am I waiting! Why not now! I think we sit ourselves on a shelf too often as women and do not do the thing we want... with a stupid twist on worthiness. Well, I say... fuck it! I am worth it now. I do not care what others think. I do this for me anyways. So glad I did! I think that every woman should take this plunge... love yourself and get some shots of you in all your glory too!
Of course, some of the best shots have been reserved for my one and only... and a select few sisters!


February 10, 2012


I know a friend who loves Pink probably even more than I do and she recently posted this video on FB. It brought the song to my front burner... and I have to say that I have had it playing in my head ever since. Thanks K! Not a bad tune to get stuck on... and definitely not a bad message.
I am sending this one out to my bestest... of course, that means you Michael. You know why.
I am so grateful to be your wife. I am so lucky to have YOU to partner with through thick and thin. I thought about this last night. Taking notice of what it really feels like to lay beside you, holding your hand and just be totally still and silent. It is my safe place. My home. We have a good thing. When everything that can complicate us moves aside.... there we are, and it is just easy.
I am proud of you. I do not say it often enough. I know that. But I see what you have done for me and for yourself this past year. I am certain that your love is as far reaching as mine. You are never alone and I have hope in my heart for you, and for us. Love you. xo

February 8, 2012

Wisdom on Wednesday

Hold On Pain Ends.

It is a word I use almost every day in my line of work. I have said these words so many times. In my "other life" I consider myself a container... holding hope for many who feel they have none, having lost it somewhere along the way. To have hope requires a leap of faith. It means you are willing to put some trust in something to see you through.... in something you cannot see or control... but can still somehow find some belief in. Hmm.
I am inspired time and time again by the women I work with... so many women. In my 17th year of working with women who face themselves and their addictions and corral up enough hope to make a change. Those who brave and battle and boldly stand up, stop and decide to do it different. They change. They grow. They become who they really are. They teach and let go and heal and yes... they inspire.
Now, I have felt hopeless or short on hope in areas of my life. Of course, I have... because at one time or another... haven't we all. It is such a dark place to find oneself. A very confined and stale spot to be stuck for too long.
So... if I can remember when it creeps up again... no, if I can reclaim when it creeps up again... this word as a simple acronym. Hold On Pain Ends. It always does. Nothing, even the most painful stuff, lasts forever. If I can be a container of hope for others... strangers, really... then I sure as hell can muster up some of this good stuff for my own gain.