Mommy Confessional

Humility is a good thing. I can take a dose of this medicine and not be any worse for it. We all have flaws. I work on changing some of mine... and then there are others that I choose to leave be. I have a confession. I am NOT a perfect parent. Kind of makes me giggle... because that has got to be obvious to people who know me, and well, it is just a confession that we can all just get out of the way. There are a few imperfections I could get off my chest and so I am going to institute a regular chronicle of Mommy Confessionals. Let me start with one!
When it comes to my ability to share parenting with my husband, I could really work on this.
I know the roots. I am entirely conscious of my thoughts in these moments. I enjoy that I have a partner to share the responsibilities of parenthood with... however struggle with sharing the decision making process.
I began my parenting journey as a single mommy. No input from Josh's father whatsoever meant that I had 100% control over how to nurture, discipline and rear MY child. Mike and I began dating when Josh was almost four years old, and I never relinquished any of that control... was not prepared to trust, if decisions needed to be made regarding my son, I had to consult nobody. I had supports aplenty, including Mike and lots of help with him, but the parenting duties... all mine.
Mike and I had Aidan a few years later. Our relationship was not certain, I wholely expected he would not stick around long, we did not live together when I brought Aidan home... and so essentially, I remained a single parent. Mike remained in the picture, however, had not yet caught up with the responsibilities which I could not ignore, he enjoyed the fun parts of having a kid... but was content to allow me to keep things running as I was very used to doing. I do not blame him for this, we both ran with our comfortable methods of coping... he avoided and I controlled. When I say avoided, he was always present... but more like the best buddy kind of Daddy, not one to worry about all of the basic needs... seriously, he still could not tell you when a child gets what boosters or when either of his kids hit milestones or what size shoe they wear. That does not make him a bad father, but could you imagine if neither of us were in control of such situations!!
It was only in the year before Colin was born that Mike ever lived with us full time. By this time, I was parenting two kids, and had it really down pat. I have had no one to disagree with when it came to my methods of parenting. I had no one to debate or challenge my parental belief system or what I was hoping to achieve with my style of raising my children (aside from Auntie Dolly and Uncle Rick every now and then, but I think they just enjoyed trying to push my buttons). No, all things parenthood belonged to me. I achieved pretty good results so far... my boys were well mannered, appropriate and on track with all of their needs. I did not say I was not a good Mom, I said I was not perfect!
When we decided to get pregnant with Colin, it was Mike who was now "ready" to really be a parent. He wanted to be on the inside of something our circumstances sort of kept him on the outside of until now. I was excited about this possibility, as we all know... single parenting is overwhelming and some days exhausting and lonely. I really did WANT to share this with him. So, what part of me held back and did not let him have equal say. I cannot answer that yet. I was sad to know that I could still not trust, entirely, someone else to share in the responsibility of making decisions about our son's formative years.
There have been some good reasons why I have had to take the reins (I never let them go though). Mike has had his ups and downs and perhaps this is part of why we work. So many people have remarked about how I do this amazing thing, so independent and on my own all these years... but let us not forget that we create our outcomes. I put me here. These children did not happen to me. This marriage did not happen to me. I dove in to all of them... eyes wide open. I manage to cope and live with all of this fierce strength and independence because it protects me. It protects my boys. I have lived for most of my life thinking that people, even those who love us, will hurt us. (And I was right, they will.) But I have hurt people I love too. I know this has hurt Mike, and he has expressed his resentment before. While I share the joys of my childrens being here with Mike (that is what the loneliness of single parenting meant to me) I do not share in giving him the freedom to decide and determine some of what he is invested in. This partner of mine accepts this about me. I am going to have to make some amends now, can't really see a way around it. And the next time that he has an idea about something we could be doing with the kids... I am going to think long and hard about letting it stick.