I have seen this on the email circuit and it was posted today on Mom and Babe forum I frequent.... too cute, had to give it a spot here!
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a giant beanbag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help herself. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Both: Go home and read the paper for the last time.
2. Before you have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time you have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5-10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing 8-12 lbs. At 10 p.m., put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
4. Dressing small children is not as easy it seems. First, buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed: all morning.
5. Forget the sports car and buy a used station wagon or mini-van. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and leave it in the glove compartment. Stick a quarter in the CD player. Mash a family-size pack of chocolate cookies down the back seats. Run a garden rake along the sides of the car. There. Perfect.
6. Get ready to go out. Wait half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in. Go out again. Come in again. Repeat three more times. Walk down your driveway. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very s-l-o-w-l-y down the road. Stop to inspect every cigarette butt, piece of gum and dead insect. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back inside the house. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.
7. Repeat everything you say at least five times.
8. Go to the supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can accomplish this easily, do not even contemplate having children.
9. Can you stand the mess kids make? To find out, smear peanut butter on the sofa and strawberry jam on the curtains. Leave a fish finger behind the stereo for the summer. Stick your fingers in the the flower beds, then rub them on your walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How's that look?
10. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Next, get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old.
Why did I not get this training in high school???? Or college??? Is this what I missed by skipping!
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