I can slide down into old ways so easily.... there is no effort required in doing what I have always done. I have lost some edge here in my blog... I am avoiding. I have so much going on in my life, change is upon me and my children.... and I am not wanting to face it. I have these deep seated beliefs that I am needed, the be all and end all of my children's existence... not loved, I know I am, but something more. It is not healthy, so be kind in your thoughts when I share here, to tell these truths are the most difficult thing for me. I think that without me around to do for my family, their lives would just be a mess, they will crumble in their lack of knowhow.
I am leaving them to go back to work and the thoughts that are coming in my mind are dreadful and wearing me down day by day. Who would not want to avoid this shit! My children will not have their needs met, their self esteem will go down, they will think I do not love them, they will go to school hungry, they will get hurt when I am gone, they will be angry with me or worse hate me, they will find someone else to love more, they will do poorly in school, they will run wild...... I am beating myself up so badly. And where is it all coming from? I have been in this situation for all of these years? I have done the work and daycare thing for years. We were all fine! But I cannot search out the reasons for my thinking this way... I just have to face that this is how I am thinking and feeling. I feel so sad and angry and guilty and it is coming out in the wrong way and at the wrong situations. I feel so bad for Mike but cannot even discuss these thoughts with him. He does not understand these parts of me. My mother parts. I work quite hard to even accept this sick chick is in me..... I know so much and yet so little! Have I regressed? I am anxious about returning to work and having it all come out as it sometimes does... I have a new boss there who does not know a stitch of anything about me... what will she think??? This is sitting inside and I am just aching for it to come out.... thank god for late nights and this damn keyboard! Most of you readers here are the dearest of the dear to me... I trust you all and expect none of you will think differently of me... thank you for being the warm shoulder I need! I hope it helps me to get a real sleep tonight. Pray for me, lol!
2 comments:
Laurel my love
Of course you feel this way. You are a mom who loves your family deeply and no one could do that job better than you can. But, you have to remember that part of what you do is not just nurturing, guiding and loving, it is supporting in the financial sense as well as in the guidance sense.
Your children know this and wether you believe it or not they love you all the more for it. They have and will continue to grow knowing that they have a mother who wants only the best for them. As hard as it is to accept, you give your children the tools they need to survive and it is up to them to use those tools. Being at home with them makes no difference. Children can and will do what they want even if you are always right by their sides. Being at work is no different than being in another room. They will make their own choices, good or bad, and your job as being their mom is to be around to pick up the pieces as they fail, let them know that no matter what you will always love them, and go on.
Trust me when I say that there could never be a better mom than you.
With love, your mom
I sensed we really should have used our time differently this week together because we though we have some different pressures and circumstances, the fact remains, we are mothers who really place a lot of pressure on ourselves because we have the best intentions. I love you so very much. I have so much to say but wish you were near so we could support eachother in this part of the road. It won't always be bumpy. Love and Energy sent your way. Let's chat next week.
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