So in a family meeting with M's psychiatrist and social worker the other day I had another perspective thrown in my lap to consider. And guess what it fits. I get it and can really use this new insight to help me with him in the future.
The Doc relayed this... with M's symptoms he sees things and lives with a very "Here and Now" outlook. Whether in episode or not... this rings so true in what I know about him. When consumed with thought distortions... there is absolutely nothing I can do to make him see things differently. There is no reference to yesterday or a year ago or next week that can show him what I want him to see. HERE and NOW. This is where he stays. So when his now involves suspicion, irrational ideas, and visions... that is where we live. Hard to take, difficult for all to endure and without intervention... impossible to stop.
Then... it passes. M is well again. He usually has an outburst... lashes out the inner pain that must be so torturous to live with... he will crash, and wake up ready to start a new day... clear in thought and ready to take in some good. And doesn't he, like everyone deserve some good in their life! It is comparabe to shedding a skin... he leaves it behind him... and with it... the rest of us risk being left in the dust.
This is a new NOW for M... free from the burden of what happened yesterday... he can barely relate to how that even felt. But if he asked me... I could tell him. I am still scared, angry, hurt, and unsure when the shoe will fall again. I do not want to dwell on yesterday, but I do not have the luxury of shedding it as easily as he can. I do not want to stay in the pain... but cannot just sleep it off either. I have tried to express to M how it feels to be in my shoes, in the kids shoes. How these episodes are traumatic some times... and that trauma needs to be addressed by working through it.
I love M more than anyone could really know and I do not want further pain for him. I am glad it passes and lifts off of him... because I appreciate how awful his symptoms are (even when he does not). I try to take the good days on too... have even posted about this before... we deserve to enjoy these times... but in my heart, is a quiet part of me, waiting for a chance to heal. She likes the here and now and wants to live their wholeheartedly... although with so much uncertainty... she can not fully let go and just be there.
1 comment:
very powerful and enlightening concepts to grapple with, I am sure, for you. I really appreciate and empathasize with M. and what his day-to-day inner struggles might look like. Having struggled with my own mental health issues, I have caught myself the odd time or two praying to wake up with a state of clarity, calm, free and unburdened headspace so I can soak up all the loveliness life offer me when I am in a state of wellness. You literally want to stop the clock and just let time stand still so you can be free again. On the flip side, I can also appreciate the experience this has been for you. The partner who supports... that is YOU! As much as you put effort into understanding M's illness and recovery, I have faith you will honour your own needs and heart-mending that needs to take place also. Both experiences are equally as vital in your partnership's growing foundation. Blessings to you both! xx
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